Tear In My Heart
by AlinaLotus
Summary: His forgiveness is constant, and that's what she hates the most.


**This was literally only going to be a one page drabble and ended up being much more. Enjoy anyway. Warnings are sex, language, sex, more sex...yeah xD I haven't written these two in SO long, I'm sure this is rusty and ridiculous- I'm so sorry. Even though it goes without saying that Sakura is of age, people are getting bitchy about clarifications on age lately. In my mind Sakura is early twenties in this one.**

 _Sometimes you gotta bleed to know  
That you're alive and have a soul  
But it takes someone to come around  
To show you how _

Ninja are stupid.

Let me clarify- Konoha ninja are stupid.

No, no, that's not right either.

Oh, okay.

Yes. Specifics.

Tsunade says I need to learn them better anyway. Let me start again.

Hatake Kakashi is a _goddamn moron._

That's better. More accurate. Stupid is too soft for him, too broad an insult, not close enough to the truth.

 _Kakashi. Is. A. Moron._

I trace these words, juvenile as they are, on the bed sheet, hoping somehow that he comprehends them, that he, as he always does, gets huffy, gets offended, get's that fucking smirk on his face. What smirk?

Oh, _that_ one. That knee-melting, panty-dropping one that gets him practically anything and everything he wants. It's an art, or at least when used by him it is. He wields it mercilessly, a far more powerful weapon than any of his ninken (don't tell Pakkun I said that) or jutsu.

Don't let the fact that his face is covered 99.9% of the time fool you. Any idiot can see it coming and is powerless against it, mask or no mask.

It's that, the desperate desire for those lips to upturn, to unhinge me, that keeps me here, rooted to his bedside, holding a pathetic vigil for a pathetic man who couldn't see a mission strategy through if his pathetic life depended on it.

Why couldn't he, you ask? Oh, well, you'd _think_ he'd know better, wouldn't you? Being a jounin and all. Being a sensei and all. Being one of the most powerful shinobi in the entire world and all. Can you believe _this_ guy, this said moron right over there, breathing into the damn oxygen mask and oblivious to the fucking world, was once our best hope for Hokage? Ha! What kind of Hokage can't even keep their head in the game and follow protocol?

Well, the kind who always has to rescue the damsel in distress, of course. That's an easy one. Or is it only easy because I know the answer?

Whatever. You hear that, sensei? _What. The fuck. Ever._

What's that?

Oh.

What kind of _worthless, useless, weak_ damsel gets in such distress that she obliterates an entire mission objective and puts not just her own life on the line, but four others as well (including and especially the man she loves, the man that, while annoyingly unconscious right now, is the reason she gets up in the fucking morning)?

This _worthless, useless, weak_ damsel right here. Yeah, that's my hand up in the air. And oh yeah, of course! Those are my tears dotting the sheet, and that's my palm, wrapped around his like a vice, pleading and begging for him to wake up, to _just be fucking okay_ , because I have to tell him I'm sorry, I have to tell him that I love him, god I love him so much, and how stupid could you be, risking your life like that?! Sometimes people die, Kakashi! You'd be better off if you'd just accept that fact, shitty as it is. There are variables that strategy, no matter how brilliantly executed, can't account for. There are times when the smartest thing to do is to listen to the voice inside you and cut loose the dead weight and head for the hills because then at least you'd be alive, and yeah okay, that's a huge fucking burden but the heavier one is being dead.

Well, that's the crux of the matter, isn't it? We've discussed this already. _Kakashi. Is. A. Moron._ Once more, against the starched white cloth. When you turn tail against your instincts, those buried deep in your DNA that have evolved as our species has, when you ignore them, tell them to fuck off, you break something in that same chain, something that should've stood strong and tall and untarnished.

In this case, my heart.

 **oooo**

Kunoichi are tenacious.

Pretty sure they're the definition of the word. Anyway, every one I ever met was. Nah, that doesn't fit, does it? Tenacious is too...nice. Too cutsey. And lemme tell you, while there are some kunoichi who do some cute things (or so I hear), it's not how I'd describe them as a whole. Or even particularly.

Wait, yeah. Got it. Kunoichi are stubborn.

Well. That's too general, right? Okay, fine.

Haruno Sakura is pigheaded. And rude. And a know-it-all. And tough as hell. And too damn smart for her own good-

That's another thing. Once you get talking about specifics, it's really hard to shut up about them. Can't help it, though. She's pretty much all I've thought about for months now, and you know how it is, telling yourself not to think about something is the best way to turn a passing thought into an obsession.

So yeah, Sakura. I think I can feel her close by- can't smell much, something's in the way, blocking my strongest sense- but I can feel the heat of her against me. It's so familiar, has been a constant in my life for so long, that I'd recognize it anywhere. But she's upset- either majorly pissed or majorly bummed about something. 50/50 shot at which it is, same with who caused it. Either Sai or Naruto, which is where her rage (the inevitable outcome of the majority of Sakura's emotions) will be directed.

Course, there's been a few times- rare times, mind you- when I'm the one Sakura is less than pleased with, but I've learned over the years that a swift smile does wonders for derailing a violent outburst.

I want to reach out to her or say something, but I can't move. There are footsteps, some hushed chatter, and then I feel the sweet embrace of morphine. Ah, yes, this is why I love coming here.

Sakura's tight uniform not withstanding, of course.

 **oooo**

There's a lot they don't teach you at the academy. Not just about being a ninja, but about life in general. I think it's on purpose; kids can't soak up too many deep concepts without having an existential crisis.

Not that adults can, either, and I guess that's what I am. An adult, I mean, not an existential crisis. Or maybe I am- who can say? Ugh, I shouldn't have even mentioned it.

It really doesn't come as a surprise that I've fallen for Kakashi. He's kind of amazing- even though he's also kind of obnoxious, kind of egotistical, kind of bossy, kind of- oh right, back to the I'm-in-love-with-him thing. I don't know that there really was a defining moment where I stood back and thought, _oh fuck, I'm so screwed, I love him_. It was more of an understanding that yep, this was my life now. Oh sure, I snuck long looks at him when nobody else was paying attention (which was pretty often, lest you forget my teammates _are_ Naruto and Sai), made excuses to spend time with him, all the usual things people do when they fall for somebody.

But I had no idea what I was doing. Sure I'd dated around, though the pickings were pretty slim if you wanted to stay out of the work pool. Still, I wasn't entirely inexperienced, or so I thought. I wasn't in over my head, or so I thought. I wasn't so gaga for a guy that I'd fuck up an entire S-rank, or so I thought.

Tsunade once told me that know-it-alls got people killed. I didn't think I knew it _all,_ just enough to make it successfully through the day.

I guess I should've redefined "successfully" years ago.

 **oooo**

I can hear things. That whole theory about your other senses becoming stronger when one of them is compromised has always been true for me. It's one of the reasons I hate hospitals so much- there's way too damn much going on. You'd think it'd be a place of peace, of healing, but oh no, not our beloved little prison camp.

There's always a fight- between patients, between doctors and their patients, between nurses and doctors, between families. It's a never-ceasing barrage of noise. There's also the beeps- monitors and IV machines and pagers. A blaring signal here and there- some ninja can't quite cope with the healing process and try to pull a runner, setting off the window alarms. Once, Sakura caught Naruto trying to scale down the side of the building using hospital gowns tied together as a rope- she got him down okay, though he'd earned three busted ribs and a bloody nose on top of his previous injuries for trying to escape.

Shizune lectured Sakura on not trying to kill the patients, but Tsunade seemed to think her method was appropriate. In fact, she vaguely insinuated that Sakura had been too soft with Naruto. Which made Tsunade even more menacing than she already was, and Sakura almost as.

Maybe that's when I realized I liked Sakura more than an old sensei probably should like one of their former students. Maybe that's when I noticed how she always seemed to smell like cotton candy, how she could deliver a right hook of a smile immediately after an _actual_ right hook that could shatter the bones of her opponent or cause a mini-earthquake that could bring down a hillside. Or maybe-

Fuck it. I can't pinpoint it to one specific moment, and why should I? Sakura is a thousand things, all fire and passion and a searing loyalty that makes me question my own rather shaky convictions. It's no question as to _why_ I fell for her, and it sure as hell is no question as to why I had to say, well, screw this, screw Shikamaru's carefully laid out blue print of how this assignment had to go down to earn us a win. I mean, the shit had hit the fan so many times before and I'd been powerless to stop death from invading my life, but I thought, fuck if I let it happen again.

It wasn't noble or anything, though if Tsunade wants to use that word in an emotional, tear-jerking speech whilst presenting me a rather large, shiny award (that comes with a rather large, shiny stack of cold hard cash), I won't argue with her.

It wasn't noble but it was downright stupid, and selfish.

Things I've come to discover that love makes you.

 **oooo**

Shizune keeps telling me to get out, go some fresh air. She thinks it'll help clear my head. My head, I reply, is perfectly fine, thanks. It's my heart that's ripping me apart.

Naruto thinks I'm being overly dramatic- well, he'd know. As if I'm the one who flies off the handle every time something goes a little wrong! Right, okay, Naruto. Go back to stuffing your face with ramen and pining over being Hokage. We'll let you know if we need anybody to throw an epic tantrum and take out a town or two.

Sai takes a different approach, one that almost, _almost_ brings me out of my stupor long enough to sucker punch him through the wall and into the room next door. He has recalled the events of our mission with painstaking clarity, has in fact rendered it into a rather picturesque (his own word) portrait. He hands me the scroll, the paper adorned with Kakashi on the receiving end of a mighty blow from the towering enemy, and me, on the ground beside him, in hysterics. I crumple the scroll in my hand, then throw it at his head. That oh so beautifully rendered blow should've been mine- mine to take, mine to absorb, mine to _die_ from. Mine, Kakashi, do you fucking hear me? _Mine!_

He doesn't hear me. He doesn't move, doesn't bat an eyelash, just lays there, sucking up morphine and o2, a lifeless, brainless dope of a man brought back from the brink of death by the girl who wouldn't and couldn't let him go.

"You saved his life, Sakura. It's commendable." Tsunade glances at his chart, but she knows its contents as well as I do.

"As I'm the one who almost got him killed, I think it's the least I could do."

Tsunade purses her lips, shakes her head. "The least you could do," she says, now fiddling with Kakashi's IV, turning down the flow of pain killers, "is forgive yourself."

I snort, and Tsunade shrugs. "He's stronger than you think."

"He's not invincible. Though the idiot- sorry, moron- seems to think he is. Why he would do this is fucking beyond me." I usually try to watch my language around Tsunade- not that she has any compunctions about swearing herself, but she doesn't like to hear it out of her professionals.

Tsunade turns and gives me a sardonic grin. "Well, people- sorry, morons- always do crazy things when they're in love."

It takes a few beats to realize she isn't talking about me, though she knows me so well that I'm sure she was aware of my feelings for Kakashi even before I was. She raises a perfectly manicured eyebrow, and hands me his chart.

"Normally I'd encourage berating a reckless shinobi and we both know that this one," she jabs her thumb behind her at Kakashi's bed, "is an enormous pain in the ass. But without him...I don't think you'd be alive."

I want to crumble in on myself. I want to disappear, for the floor and walls to swallow me up, swallow me whole. I know, Tsunade-sama. I know that without Kakashi, I'd be _gone_. And not just because he saved my skin yesterday. He has been the one true constant in my life for so long, a driving force of "relax, Sakura, and you'll get it", a reminder that hope not only can, but does, exist, even for shinobi. No, not _even for_. _Especially for_. Through everything, Kakashi has been my one strong tie to this village, to this way of life. To everything human that ninja need to cling to.

I always wanted to be strong enough to stay steady, or at least to be able to build myself back up after I fell. After Sasuke left, off to do whatever the fuck defectors do, I promised myself that I'd be more like, say, Temari or Kurenai. More everything I wasn't. Strong and solid as steel and not just smart, but wise, too. The kunoichi all around me somehow had this, this power, this surety, that I lacked, and no matter how hard I tried, no matter how many sleepless nights and long hours spent working my knuckles bloody, I could never get there, get to that place I so longed to be.

Kakashi was the one who told me to stop trying so hard. He was the one who said, well, not everybody can be everything they want. He wasn't being vindictive, or even critical; just honest. And he was right. So I did the best I could with what I had. My abilities flourished, I earned a spot training with one of the legendary Sanin, and somewhere along the way, between missions and surgeries and the reforging of Team Kakashi, I'd healed. Everything I'd been through had created a Sakura I was semi-proud of.

Until yesterday. Until the Sakura who'd hacked off her hair in the heat of battle, symbolically cutting loose her insecurities, her weaknesses, vanished and in her place was the simpering POS who had to depend on her teammates to save her life. I hated that Sakura from so long ago, that deplorable waste of space who cared about the most insignificant things.

Honestly though, that's not even the worst part. I mean, you'd think it would be, right? Like, how does it get any worse than leading the man you love to the brink of death? No, the worst part is Kakashi will, without hesitation, without a second fucking thought (let's face it, it's not like he has much of those), forgive me. Like it's the easiest thing in the world. Because Kakashi's forgiveness , like his laziness, like his courage, is a constant in my life.

"I'm not going to coddle you, Sakura." Tsunade says bluntly, folding her arms in front of her ample chest. "You're better than this. My medic-nin do not fall apart. My kunoichi do not wallow in self-pity. And the people I love," Tsunade's honey eyes soften for a moment, "are made of sturdier stuff than they think. So get it together, okay. He might need you when he wakes up, and believe it or not," she narrows her eyes, the _and you'd damn well better believe it_ very much implied, "he needs you more than you need him."

She gives a final, decisive nod and then sweeps from the room, leaving just me, the silence, and the rhythmic rising and falling of Kakashi's chest.

 **oooo**

If anything can be said about our esteemed Hokage, it's that she never minces words. She is like an open book, honest and straight-forward and though she can be hyper-critical when the situation calls for it, she always does it from a place of trying to better those around her. Oh sure, she sucks at taking critique herself- definitely can dish it but not take it, that kind of thing- but when you're a Sanin on top of Fire country's leader, well, I guess you get a free pass every now and then.

Anyway, Tsunade always knows what she's talking about, and when you stop for a second to realize what she's been through, what she's _fought_ through, it makes her icy disposition a little more understandable. And her moments of warmth priceless. She rarely picks favorites, but if she does, you can bet that Sakura is one of them. Or the _only_ one. It maybe doesn't come off that way, because she's harder on Sakura than she is most people, works her longer, gives her the rougher assignments. This is done out of a deep desire to see Sakura rise above, to succeed. While Naruto has lofty ambitions of being Hokgae, I think secretly Tsunade hopes it will be Sakura who takes over her place one day- or at the very least that Naruto will pull together some functioning brain cells and make Sakura his second-in-command.

Political ambitions for her dear student aside, I think Tsunade just wants Sakura to realize her full potential and work her ass off for it. That's the thing about being a leader...you can see a glimpse of what the people around you can become, and the only thing worse than them failing to reach that potential, is you not pushing them hard enough to reach it.

If there's one thing Tsunade doesn't do it, it's failure.

Master and student are not so different in that regard.

 **oooo**

So yeah, fine. I get it. Message received, Shishou. Quit being such a crybaby and move on. Tsunade is the only one who could dispense such advice, the only one I'd even listen to about it. Maybe she doesn't want to see me repeat the mistakes of her past. Maybe she wants me to show her that I can overcome my guilt. Or maybe she's just sick of seeing me with greasy hair and dirty clothes.

Ino drops off a bag for me, and I figure Kakashi sure as hell isn't going anywhere. He has a private bathroom and yeah okay, hospital showers aren't exactly the epitome of luxury, but the water is hot and anything is better than going another day without soap.

I'm sure Kakashi would call me stubborn (well, that's probably too sweet an adjective, I'm sure it'd be something ruder) but it's like, look in a mirror lately, sensei?

The water feels good rolling over my skin, through my hair. Washing off the dirt and blood from any mission, particularly one where things had gone to fuck, always makes me feel cleaner, more human.

"If I had known all I had to do to get you in my shower was save your life, I would've done it ages ago."

I freeze, turning slowly to see Kakashi leaning against the door frame. He looks slightly hung over, from the meds and his injuries no doubt. His hospital gown flaps around his legs. He's beat up, sure, but he's alive and cocky. "So, to what do I owe the pleasure?" He continues, his eyes raking me over, seeing inside me and through me.

"Don't flatter yourself," I snap, fighting the urge to cover my chest with my arms. I'd go about this in a dignified way. Show him I'm not horrified to be under his close scrutiny, that I can handle a bit of ogling. "I just needed a quick rinse. Now go away."

"Ouch." Kakashi slaps his hand over his heart, trying not to wince at the action. "You slay me, Sakura."

Okay, fine. If he wanted to play, we would play.

"Either leave or join me. You're letting all steam out." I turn away from him as I say this, not just because I don't know if can keep a straight face, but because I might just melt into a puddle right there at the mere thought of naked Kakashi next to naked me. Fantasizing about it is one thing, but to possibly have the real thing is another.

I hear the door quietly shut, the sound of his gown hitting the tile floor. Then I feel him behind me, coming closer, the heat from his body closing the gap between us. I lick my lips in anticipation, trying to keep my desire under control. I couldn't even count how many perverted day dreams I'd had about this.

"Remember," his lips are still masked against my ear lobe, but I don't care- his breath sending pleasant chills down shoulder, "you asked for this."

He turns me and grasps both my wrists in one of his hands all in a quick, fluid motion. Then he's backing me up against the wall, holding my arms above my head. The shower spray hits us, and I take a second to take him in- all solid muscle, tight abs, thighs that could have been sculpted by only the most masterful of artists. Scars cover his skin, remnants of battles and injuries and surgeries. I don't let my eyes linger too long, scared I'll discover his most recent one.

"Sakura," he's almost panting now, his eyes hooded with need, with _want_. I meet his gaze and nod vigorously; this is all the invitation he needs.

His free hand slides up my hip, my waist, a thousand nerves exploding in pleasure at his touch. A thousand more join them as he cups my breast, kneads it, grabs at it, thumbing my nipple until it's a stiff peak beneath his ministrations. He squeezes it, rolls it between his fingers and it's all I can do to stop the wanton moans from escaping my lips. My core throbs, and I jut my hips forward, seeking out some friction.

Kakashi leans towards me, pulling his mask down in a barely-there motion. His lips are against mine and I feel him smirk. "Such a desperate thing," he says, then he kisses me, and it strikes me in the heat of the frenzy that this is our first kiss, and _fuck_ it's like I always pictured (well, minus the hospital bathroom), so much fire and longing. His lips are soft and the kiss is tender to start with, but deepens with every passing second, his tongue ravenous in my mouth, my lips seeking out every centimeter of his. Still he holds my hands above us, in what I assume is a display of dominance. And here's the thing- I don't hate it. In fact, as Kakashi leads the way with his touches, his kisses, I decide this whole submission thing? It's pretty much right up my alley.

And then he decides to unhinge me, to turn me into a begging, writhing mass of glorious agony. He pushes the pad of this thumb against my clit, and my entire body feels like it's burst into flame.

"Oh fuck, Kakashi, please-" I ramble, struggling against the hold he has on me.

"Not Kakashi," he pulls his hand away from my body and I whimper at the lost contact. "You know what to call me, don't you baby girl?"

I nod slowly, a thrill going through me. Who would've thought Kakashi (or me, for that matter) was so kinky?

"Please, _sensei_." I whisper, and he kisses me fiercely, his free arm around my waist, lifting me. My back slides against the slick wall, and I wrap my legs around his torso. He finally drops his hand from my wrists, taking my ass in both his palms, spreading me open. My hands claw at his back, pulling myself as close to him as I can, my breasts flush again his chest.

I can't believe we're doing this. I can't believe we've just jumped so far ahead, rushing into this, each of us so sure that this what we want. It speaks volumes, I suppose, for how good we are together.

"Hatake."

We both freeze, our eyes wide. It _had_ to be Tsunade, of all people, didn't it?! She waits outside the door, and hopefully that's where she'll stay.

Kakashi clears his throat. "Yeah?" Thankfully the curtain is pulled around us still- even if Tusnade did open the door and walk in, she'd only see Kakashi's legs. Oh Kami, I can't believe I'm hiding in the shower, horny and willing and so terrified of being discovered by my boss. _Our_ boss.

"What. Are. You. Doing." Each word is deliberate, like a punch to the face. But if she knew, if Tsunade knew I was in here, wrapped around Kakashi like a coiled snake, she would say something, right?

"Let me rephrase that. What. Are. You. Doing. _With. My. Medic_." Ah.

We both wince, and Kakashi gently sets me down, pulling the curtain open. "I haven't the faintest-" The bathroom door sails right by us, hits the sink, and shatters into a million splinters.

No need to ask how Tsunade's handling this, then.

 **oooo**

I could kill her. I mean it- if given the chance, I could probably strangle the life from the maniac that is our Hokage. I was _so_ fucking close, so close to getting what what I've wet dreamed about for months now. So close to having Sakura all to myself.

And then comes along this psychopath, destroying property and and dreams all at once.

"I'm not even going to let you try to lie or manipulate your way out of this. Just unhand my medic, and I want both of you in my office. Now."

Tsunade's heels click down the hall, and I finally turn to Sakura, who hasn't taken her eyes off me. In fact, they're glued to my chest, where a long line of sutures run over my sternum. I can see reflected there, in her wide green gaze, her fear, her sorrow. Her regret.

"Sakura," I begin, but she shakes her head, refusing to look me in the eye.

"I'm sorry. I never meant it to be you." She crosses her arms in front of her chest, but not out of modesty. It's as if she's trying to physically hold herself together.

"I-"

"No, Kakashi!" She suddenly yells, like she can't bear to hear what I'm going to say. "No, okay? I never asked you to do that, I never _wanted_ you to!"

"I know that," I say, bewildered. She's pissed at me for saving her life?! Of course she is, because that's Sakura all over. She'd rather die horrifically than ever have to be rescued. "It was my choice. I broke ranks. I told Shikamaru to screw off. That's on me, Sakura."

It doesn't matter what I say, she'll blame herself. But she doesn't see it, doesn't see why I did it. She can't see past her own failure.

"No sensei," she whispers, hanging her head, droplets running down her pink strands. For a second I can see the broken, weak student she used to be when her two best friends were fighting on the roof of this same hospital. "It's on me. If I were stronger, if I were better-"

I shake my head, defensive now. After all, I did have _something_ to do with her training, to bring her to the fierce kunoichi she is today.

"You don't get to take the blame for what I did. What I _needed_ to do." I hope she gets it, understands the difference between _need_ and _had_.

"You're impossible!" Sakura throws her hands up in frustration, reaching for the towel that's hung on the hook.

Sakura's moods vary, and the way you have to deal with them vary, too. Sometimes it's better to let her simmer, to give her space. She'll cool off eventually, and apologize, and things will go back to normal. And sometimes, for your own benefit (and the objects around you; again, master and student are not so different), it's better to head her off before she gets too worked up, to try to placate her. Better for everyone involved that way- and saves you loads of money on new furniture, too.

Fortunately, I've never had to deal with a Sakura who is angry about being alive. Unfortunately, this means I don't have a game plan, because I really need her to understand where I'm coming from, and I really need her to get back into that shower because if I've ever seen anything better than a needy, naked Sakura pressed up against a wet wall I sure as hell can't remember it.

"I can't change the way you feel," I say, while Sakura pulls her clothes on and runs a brush through her damp hair, "but I think it's pretty damn obvious how I do." I gesture towards the empty shower.

Sakura looks at me in the mirror, lets out a breath and sets the brush down, turning towards me. I can't tell where this is going to go- never really can with her anyway- and that's driving me insane. She wants to say something, but before can there's a rapt knock on the wall and Shizune pokes her head in the bathroom.

"I'd hurry if I were you two," She says, then gives me a once over, a smirk on her face. "And I'd uh, do something about that." She points at my hard-on, and I scramble for a towel, though Shizune has seen 90% of this village buck naked anyway. I'm sure my nudity is old news, considering how often I've been stuck here before.

I can't be sure but I _think_ I see Shizune mouth " _get it girl_ " to Sakura as I reach for my clothes.

 **oooo**

Tsunade's office is a mix of wet bar and an episode of Hoarders. There's some method to her madness, I guess, because she runs a pretty tight ship and Shizune, at least, seems to know where things go. Tsunade shoves a stack of scrolls in the top drawer of her desk, and pulls open a file cabinet, reaching in for a bottle of sake. She doesn't bother with a glass, nor does she offer either one of us a drink. After a long sip and a thick swallow, she sighs and sets the bottle down carefully on the desk.

"You," Tsunade points at me, "are a moron. And you," she moves her finger to Sakura, "are stubborn. You're both far more trouble than is necessary, and I'm going to sort this out right now. Kakashi couldn't let you take that enemy's blow because he loves you and didn't want you to die," She says to Sakura, then her narrowed eyes snap to my face, "and Sakura feels immense guilt not because the mission failed, but because she loves you and didn't want you to die. You both did your jobs, and everybody made it out alive." There is a finality to her tone, as though we should consider the matter wrapped up neatly with some cutesy paper and a bow.

"But Shishou," Sakura starts to protest, but Tsunade holds up a silencing hand.

"No more of that, understood?" She says sharply, and Sakura closes her mouth. Huh. So it _is_ possible for Sakura to follow orders. "Sometimes no fatalities is all we can hope for. I call that a win. Now get out of my office, and no more sex in my hospital." Tsuande waves us away, already engrossed in the paperwork on her desk.

Sakura clenches her jaw, as though she wants to argue, but takes a breath and walks briskly out of the office, leaving me in the dust.

"Kakashi," Tsunade calls, as I go to hurry out of the office. I grimace, turning back to her, not forgetting how she interrupted what was sure to be the best sex of my life. I'll never forgive her for that, and the next time she and Jiraiya sneak off together, thinking they're being clever and careful, I'll be sure to return the favor. She gestures for me to sit down at the chair in front of her desk. I know better than to refuse.

"Do you know what you're doing?" Her tone is serious, like we're discussing something of the utmost importance.

"Uh-"

Tsunade nods curtly. "Yeah, I figured as much. You always were as stupid as you look."

I purse my lips, biting back my retort, trying to keep my cool. It's not a good idea to disrespect your boss who has just caught you in a rather compromising position with her favorite student.

"Sakura is not one of your casual fucks, Hatake, one of your use 'em and lose 'em floosies. She's special, and important, and vital to this village." She says these things as if I don't already know them. As if I haven't spent the better part of the last five years in complete awe of Sakura's strength and intelligence and drive. I think I ought to be offended that Tsunade thinks I'd regard Sakura in any other light, but I know better than to call her on it.

"I get it. Shinobi are such... _emotional_ creatures. So deep in the fly by the seat of your pants, eat drink and be merry for tomorrow we die, mentality. It's not your fault, of course. You're hardwired that way- follow your instinct and consequences be damned, right?"

I'm pretty sure that she's just outright calling me a horny animal with absolutely no functioning brain cells or self-control. Right now I don't think I can disagree, since I'm still sporting a semi and can't stop thinking about how Sakura's breasts felt against me.

"The thing is, I'm willing to overlook catching you with your panties down. I mean, any shinobi with eyes would kill to get Sakura in their shower, right? Kami knows how many of them have tried."

Whoa, who the fuck has been trying to get Sakura where now?!

Tsunade quickly moves on while I start compiling a To Brutually Maim and Possibly Murder list in my head. "But I'm not willing to overlook the fact that this means something, at the very least it does to Sakura. She loves you, and I know you love her, but is it in the same way?"

I kind of understand what she's driving at- I think. Love and _in_ love are two different things, and maybe if I spill my guts, lay it all on the table, Tsunade won't feel the need to castrate me. Which, I'm sure, is among the more gentle of punishments she's got in mind if I say or do something here that she doesn't like.

"Yeah. Alright, I get it, Kakashi the man slut, right? But if you haven't noticed, those days have been behind me for some time now. I'm a new man. A changed man." Whatever. The whole spiel, there. It's true, though. I am different now, because I want something else, something more than just instant gratification (though I'm hoping to get some of that, too). I want Sakura, and I've been too much of a dingbat to say it or act on it, but when she was there, in front of that guy with the serrated sword, I thought my heart was going to explode. The life I always really wanted was suddenly slipping away, right through my fingers. That fear of almost losing Sakura, will haunt me every day until I die.

Tsuande glares at me. "Sakura's a big girl. She can handle whatever travesty comes her way." She regards me in such a way that I take it to mean _I'm_ the travesty. She continues, "I don't have to tell you, though, that there are quite a few people you'll have to answer to if she's unhappy, or if you hurt her."

Me, hurt her?! That's laughable! I almost make the mistake of chuckling out loud, but my brain has finally caught up with me and I try to nod, looking appropriately chastised.

"Anyway, I'm discharging you. If you're well enough for a frolic in the shower, you don't need to be wasting my morphine or my staff's time. Go home."

"I just have to catch up with Sakura first-" I say, easing myself from the chair, realizing I'm still in my hospital gown, but not caring at the moment.

"Right," Tsunade gives a half-smirk, "so go home."

 **oooo**

Against my better judgment, I follow orders. Aren't I becoming such a good little solider? A model employee, really.

I go to let myself into my apartment, digging through the plastic bag marked "personal belongings" they give you at the hospital for my keys. To my surprise, the door swings wide open and Sakura is standing there. She grabs my arm and pulls me in, not giving me a second to think or say anything, and immediately she's kissing me, tearing my mask away and pressing her mouth to mine in a very desperate- and becoming- way.

She wrenches away from me a moment later, breathless, and searches my face. It's not the first time she's seen me unmasked, and it sure as hell won't be the last (there are just too many things you can do with your mouth uninhibited), but she stares at my lips as though transfixed.

"Tsunade-" Sakura starts, but I silence her with a small kiss, wrapping my arms around her. Tsunade is the _last,_ and I mean the very fucking _last_ , thing I want to think about right now.

"I was just going to say-" She tries again, pulling away from me.

This time I deepen the kiss, press my body against hers, my cock stiff against her stomach. Her face breaks into a smile, the first one I've seen since our mission went to hell in a hand basket.

"Alright alright, later, then. But we will talk about it, sensei." Her eyes are serious for a second, and I nod.

"Of course. After," My lips are at her lobe, "I," her jaw, "make you forget," the hollow of her throat, and she moans softly, "your own name." I yank her top off, swallowing thickly at her bare chest, her nipples already pert and calling my name.

Thank Kami I'm still riding a bit of a morphine high. The things I want to do to Sakura would've left an unmedicated Kakashi very incapable.

 **oooo**

We're on the couch before I know what's happening. But that's Kakashi all over, isn't it? He consumes he. My clothes and his are hastily removed, the silent message that this, right this second, is about need- not lovemaking, not yet, there'll be so much time for that later- received and agreed upon by both of us.

Plain and simple, I need Kakashi to fuck me. I've needed it for so long that I'm surprised I can form a coherent thought at this point. He is pure beauty above me, his muscles rippling with each movement, his eyes, one deep red, the other a fathomless grey, roving over every inch of my body. I've seen him naked so many times- traveling in very confined quarters for missions doesn't allow for modesty, and the idiot is in the hospital so much, I doubt if there's a medic, nurse, or doctor in Konoha who hasn't had the opportunity.

This, though, this is different, this is almost spiritual. It's nothing less than perfection, that's for damn sure, and as he poises himself against me, as his tip glides past my entrance, as his thickness slowly fills me up, he groans my name, and I know I'm the closest to redemption I'll ever be.

 **oooo**

I'm pretty sure I'm spent in every way. Sakura led me back to the bedroom after the first much-needed (by both of us) release, and lying here next to her, the sheets spread fuck-all around us, our various positions over the past few hours flash before me. Sakura on her knees, my cock in her mouth, my hands lost in her pink hair...her on all fours, me behind her, gripping her hips and pushing myself in and out of her as hard as I can...my tongue battling with hers, sloppy, rushed kisses as I bury two of my fingers inside her warm, wet core...

My heart starts to pound, a twitching between my legs beginning to awaken the rest of my body. I reach over, grab Sakura's firm ass, stroking it, and hear a breathy chuckle from her.

"Again? I thought I wore you out."

The room smells like sex and her skin, a scent I hope becomes a regular around here.

"Me? Never," I say, my fingers dancing up her spine. I feel her shiver, and she scoots closer to me.

"Well, what will it be, sensei?" She says after a moment, in her most innocent voice.

Oh fuck. If I wasn't getting hard before...

"Edge of the bed, legs open." I say, and Sakura obeys. My mouth waters at the sight- her supple thighs spread open, shock of cotton candy hair above a pussy already glistening with arousal. What we'd done before had been frenzied, had been more carnal than anything, and it'd been incredible. Now, though, now I wanted to go slower, to take my time, to draw out her pleasure at receiving, and show her mine at giving.

"Wait," she says, and sits up, framing my face in her hands. "I need to say it, Kakashi." She takes a deep breath, and I don't try to stop her. I've witnessed several new sides of her this past day, but this one is one I recognize. This is Sakura's heart broken on her sleeve, a sight I've sadly witnessed more than once in our years knowing each other.

"I'll never be able to apologize for everything, not really." I assume she means more that she can never forgive herself, because as far as I can see the rest of us have already moved past it. But Sakura is a perfectionist and she doesn't let things go easily, if she lets them go at all. "And I realize that all I really wanted all along was a chance to tell you how I feel. Heh," She suddenly grins, "isn't that stupid? I could've said it outright so many times! But then you saved my life, and-" she stops and shakes her head. "You've saved it more than once. You were the only person I had to turn to when Sasuke and then Naruto left...you were my best friend. Are, actually." She corrects, trying to tuck a stray piece of hair behind my ear. "I didn't want to die, but I knew I'd fucked up. The last thing I ever wanted was you having to save me again."

"You saved me too, you know." I break in, because aside from the fact that after that fucker made his sword right at home in my chest cavity, Sakura kept my heart beating and stopped the internal bleeding that would've wiped me off the map, she was the only part of Team Seven I had, too. Our relationship had evolved so many times- from student and teacher to colleagues, actual teammates, to friends, to family, and now to this, to love. Real love. As many times as Sakura had changed throughout the years, I'd changed with her. I could still see old parts of her now and then, as I'm sure she could still identify her old, shut-in teacher in certain situations. The point was, we'd transformed together, and Sakura had helped me (forced me, at times) to do something I'd never had a reason to do before- grow up.

"What I'm trying to say," Sakura says, ignoring what I say, or at least disregarding it for the time being. This isn't about what she's done for me, and she wants me to know that. "Is that I love you. I always have, just...in different ways. Now, though, I think we're at the end of the road. It's been one hell of a rocky one, but I like it here." Sakura gestures to the room around her.

"Well that's good," I say, covering her hands with my own, "because I have no plans to go anywhere else."

"Well, somewhere else I hope," Sakura smirks and stands, nodding towards the open bathroom door just a few feet away from us, "we could finish what we started."

She's already walking away from me, sauntering more like, though I'm certainly not complaining about the view.

"You in or out?" She stops at the door and looks at me over her shoulder, her expression challenging and far too alluring.

"Oh, _definitely_ in." My voice is a throaty growl as I hurry after her.

 **Lyrics used are from Tear In My Heart by Twenty One Pilots. As ever, thanks for reading, and feedback is greatly appreciated!**


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